Jesus wept (john 11)

been reading John 11.

it's the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.

while reading it, there was nothing really surprising about it.

it seemed like another amazing miracle performed by Jesus.


this passage is also home of one of the shortest verses in the Bible.

John 11:35: "Jesus wept."

while just amusing myself with the thought about this being a really short verse,

I suddenly thought,

"why is Jesus weeping for a man He already knows He will bring back from the dead?"

wouldn't it make sense for Him to just tell Maria and Martha

"don't worry, there's nothing to be sad about"?


and then I realized,

although Jesus will indeed bring Lazarus back from the dead and therefore make everyone happy again,

Jesus did not look over the pain Lazarus must have went through before death,

and the agony the sisters had already been through the past days.

He cried,

because He cared. 



believing in Jesus and knowing that He will definitely give us the solution does not mean that we will always be happy throughout the trials and hardships.

we will be in pain,

we will face times when we think everything is over,

and Jesus knows that.

there's no need to try to force a smile.

we can cry,

and He will cry with us.

but in the end, He will raise us up.

the four in hand

always tied my tie half or full windsor,

since it shapes out clean and even.

but since it seems a lot of people wear a four-in-hand knot,

tried it out myself.

has this uneven look, but does seem to match with the slim tie. 

source of strength

nowadays,

God is telling me every day

that it really wasn't the coffee that kept me going. 

throwing it down

until now,

I used to think that giving all credit to God and putting God above everything else were one and the same..

guess I didn't even think about separating them.


this weekend, I had the sudden realization that

lately,

while I did acknowledge that it was God Who has worked for me,

I had put certain things above Him.


and then I started remembering,

other times when I had asked God for certain things,

professing that I believe that it is not I but He who will be the One Who makes it happen,

yet putting that thing above Him in importance.


these never came to fruit.


but what I did receive from Him,

I can definitely remember that it was when I told Him,

"You know what, I got You, so it's fine."


right now, I might think that some things need so much attention

that it needs more attention than God--unintentionally, but still happening.

only when I throw that down will God give it to me.



quick sum-up analogy:

a son wants a toy,

if he receives it, he knows it's from Dad--

won't say he got it by himself--

but if Dad knows that he might probably skip chores to play with toy,

He won't buy it for him.

only when the son confirms and promises to Dad that chores come first,

will Dad think positively about giving His son what he desires.


pretty straightforward in this context.

alright God,

help me put these things under You and under Your control.

because I do want, but only with all Your blessings.

gundam

during our small group meeting after church,

the small group leader asked each member what their dreams are.

when my turn came, I couldn't help but answer,

"I want to build a gundam."

of course, I clarified my statement with the desire to research in the field of practical robotics.


robots..

a dream I had during college,

started thinking that it wasn't possible when I began work,

but now it's coming back to life.


I'll definitely work and be where I am for the next couple of years,

but I'm going to keep this dream alive with me.

recording myself

been playing around with a recording software,

recording myself sing.

ain't the most beautiful thing without any instrumentals.

gotta start picking up the guitar.

travel

met a friend hyung from Michigan,

ate lunch with him and his friend who was also visiting here.

while eating, both of them talked about their stories of travel,

literally sleeping in the streets of Europe,

going out of the way to a town that brewed a beer that they enjoyed,

going city to city in Japan to taste the region's food..

for someone who loves the idea of travelling,

I sure haven't taken much initiative.

with what little time of rest I am permitted now, 

I should start thinking about actually going to the places I think are nice.

wake up

something i did to wake myself up today

so yeah, the red bull didn't help.

foundation

our minds stand on a platform,

a foundation built by words.

words of comfort, words of promise, words of courage strengthen this platform,

while words of pain, words of hate, and words of sadness wear it down.

a strong platform gives the mind stability,

while a crumbling platform puts the mind on its feet, struggling to stay standing.

when we build this platform only on the words of people,

the platform will go through a constant process of building up then breaking down,

because people say a lot of things.

the worst is when what was supposed to have been building up our platform

was made of poor materials.

at a moment when we thought you were standing on level ground,

we hear a crack,

and we start falling.

and get hurt.

and now we're too scared to try going back up.




thinking this way helped me understand why it is so wonderful to have a God who is immutable.

when we build our platform with what God tells us, His words,

we build a platform that doesn't crack, for He never changes His mind.

the words of people still contribute to the building of the platform,

but there will always be a layer of unbreakable ground that

even when everything built with human words break,

there is a place to stand.

must have been tired

was tired all evening after work,

and then while sleeping, I had a nightmare about... zombies.

I swear my last nightmare was also about zombies...

anyways, I was being chased along with some people I can't remember,

then I was surrounded.

I did run towards one and threw my fist at it,

at which point I woke up,

with my fist in the air.

went back to sleep,

and woke up later than usual.

joy

Father,

let me not be hurt by the fortune of others,

take away the thought that it's a zero-sum game.

for it is Your greatest desire to make them happy,

and You know that I am able.


let their joy be my joy,

let me become closer to understanding Your love.

shirt and sweatpants

bought the sweatpants from uniqlo,

received the shirt as a gift,

also from uniqlo

standing up because you can see (john 9)

been reading John 9 for the past couple of days--

it is the account of Jesus healing the blind man.

once Jesus heals the blind man, the Pharisees try to discredit Jesus' association with God once again by accusing Him of doing this on the Sabbath.

the Pharisees then find the blind man's parents and demand an explanation.

the parents, fearing excommunication from their society, refuses to give a definite answer and consequently turns their back to their child.

the blind man, however, while probably knowing as much as his parents what excommunication meant, does not hesitate to state the truth and professes that a man with sin will not be able to do what He has done for him.

extra props to his troll question of "you guys want to be His disciples too?"

he is therefore kicked out, excommunicated.

Jesus hears this and comes back, asking the man if he believes in the Son of Man.
the blind man asks who that may be and believes right away when Jesus tells him that it is Himself.

the kicker here is that this means that the blind man stood up for Jesus without even having known that He was God. He just knew He was a good guy.

this means that he stood up just for who he considered a good guy, a friend.

of course, I can't deviate from the main point of spiritual sight and blindness and how brilliant Jesus is to relate this topic with physical sight, but the standing up part was also very.. memorable.

being excommunicated is a pretty horrible thing at that time. with no internet or newspapers and other forms of media, the synagogue was the main hub of news, entertainment, and social mingling (and of course, spiritual guidance). the had-been blind man sacrificed that when he decided to stand up for what he believed in.

this tells us that we should definitely stand up for Jesus, and also for those we believe in, despite the losses it might bring you.

and the reason points back to love, the kind of love that you acquire from loving God.

walking around

there was a moment when I realized that it was the first time in a while that I had free time while the sun was still up,

so I decided to take a walk around town.

there's this feeling that I get when I walk around old streets in Korea--

a beautiful feeling of.. chaos.

houses in places where it seems shouldn't be,

shops in crumbling buildings..

evidence of the abundance of life in any environment.

I felt that feeling somewhat as I walked around.

suspenders

suspenders,

another thing that I suddenly wanted to try wearing.

went to Urban Outfitters and got some.

too fancy for work, I think. 

but I guess there will be a day when it will come to use.

cinema paradiso

so,

I had a random flashback a couple of weeks ago, way back to when I was.. 2,3 years old, maybe? 

it was a flashback of a movie, and I remembered the scene so clearly that I was able to find out what movie it was by describing it to Google. 

the title was "Cinema Paradiso," an Italian movie.

I wasn't able to find it anywhere, so I ended up ordering a blu-ray of it. 

it came this week, and I was able to watch it yesterday.

the movie was alright, it does seem that a lot had to be edited out in the end, for time constraints. 

the movie centers around the relationship between an old man, who is a movie theater film camera operator, and a kid, who grows up to be a film director.

but the most memorable part of the movie was when the old man tells the kid a story, and it went like this: 

Once upon a time......a king gave a feast. The most beautiful princesses were there. A soldier who was standing guard saw the king's daughter go by. She was the loveliest one, and he fell instantly in love. But what is a simple soldier next to the daughter of a king? One day he managed to see her and told her he could no longer live without her. The princess was so taken by the depth of his feeling that she said to the soldier:"If you can wait for 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony, I shall be yours." With that, the soldier went and waited one day, two days......then ten, twenty. Each evening the princess looked out and he never moved! Always there, come rain, come thunder. Birds shat on his head, bees stung him, but didn't budge. After 90 nights, he had become all dry and pale. Tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn't hold them back. He didn't even have the strength to sleep. And all that time, the princess watched him. When 99th night came......the soldier stood up, took his chair, and left.

the old man stopped the story there, despite the kid asking why.

apparently the kid, after a couple of years, tells his idea of why the soldier left.

it didn't show in the version I have, but apparently it does in the longer versions:

Remember the story about the soldier and the princess? Now I understand why the solider left right at the end. In one more night, the princess would have been his. But she also could not possibly have kept her promise. And that would have been too cruel. It would have been killed him. This way, 
at least, for 99 nights, he was living under the illusion that she was there, waiting for him.

the fact that the soldier knew that it will not happen, but waited for 99 days,

the fact that he considered the possible heartbreak more unbearable than the 99 days of going through rain, thunder, bird shit, bee stings..

background

life seems like a bunch of stories that end up adding up to one full plot.

in every story, a mini plot--characters, settings, and all.

sometimes I can't help but feel frustrated or sad when I feel like I'm not the main character in one of these stories that my life decides to participate in.

a supporting role, maybe even just some unmemorable being in the background..

makes me want to just stop doing whatever it is I am made to be in the story.

but God tells me that He's the author of the story,

and that He's pretty good at finishing stories for every character as long as they decide to stay. 

..and that no one knows who's the main character of the story but Him. 

so stop thinking about who's the star and who's the side and act like you are the main character, 

because if it was you all along, you don't want your story to suck. 

leviticus 15:1-15

today's morning service was on Leviticus 15:1-15.

the message was that just like how God commanded the Israelites to stay away from those who are unclean or risk becoming unclean themselves, we must separate ourselves from the secular world or risk falling into sin.

the message ended in a hopeful note, saying that this passage ends with God explaining how the unclean can cleanse themselves, saying that we also are given the opportunity to cleanse ourselves from the sin we fall into--through the blood of Jesus.


these kinds of messages always make me think.

Jesus was known to have spent most of his time with sinners, the world. when Jesus broke bread with tax collectors, who knows, they could have been in what could be that era's equivalent of a bar/pub. He definitely will not have drunk too much wine, but the people around him surely would have.

but then again, Jesus was perfect. nothing would have influenced Him to fall into the environment He was in.

as sin-prone Christians, we need to interact with the world enough to change it but not enough to be the one changed...



as a side, related to Jesus spending time with sinners, when the Pharisees voiced out about Jesus spending time with sinners, Jesus said that He has come to this world for those who are sick (Mark 2:17). every time I remember this passage, it touches something inside me. don't really know what, but something.

wish i can draw

I'm pretty sure this is the case with every person..

as a kid, whenever I did anything--

homework, chores, whatever kids do--

I used to imagine myself being in a more exciting situation.

you know, imagination,

homework becomes the paperwork to become a member of a super hero league,
the trashcan becomes the home of an evil monster, and my trash bag becomes the bomb to destroy it.. 


as the years passed, this sense of imagination continued to linger to an extent--

it's a good thing, I think--

but instead of just applying it to anything,

I apply it to situations that need.. motivation.

that extra 30 seconds of running to finish the mile, that extra hour of studying I need, that pile of dishes that need cleaning..


sometimes I feel like I would like to put these imaginary situations into pictures.

kiehl's facial fuel - face wash

Decided to start taking care of my face.

Somebody recommended Kiehl's, and a Kiehl's shop happened to be in the neighborhood, so I stopped by.

The person working in the shop asked me if she can help me with anything, and I told her my situation.

I've never used anything on my face, and I was wondering what product I should start with.

She didn't seem to get it at first.

I had to clarify, "So, the only thing I put on my face is soap."

She recommended that I get a face wash first, so I listened.

My first facial care product.

once again, the ball is in Your court

As always, I have a hard time accepting Your choices.

But You never fail to show me the reason why.

I don't know where You're taking me with this right now,

but I have You, and You keep me stable.

Give me what is best for me, like You have always did.



..and that means something tremendously amazing is going to happen to trump the road not taken.

bow tie

Learned how to tie a bow tie.

I expected it to be difficult, but this was beyond what I imagined it to be.

Picture instructions to tying a bow tie seriously doesn't help.

Note that the first and the second pictures were taken around 2 hours apart.

coffee

There used to be a time when I thought that brewed coffee and Americano tasted pretty much the same, with difference being the preparation (like drip vs French press).

Oh, how I was wrong. 

Starting to think that it's worth buying an Americano from Starbucks even when there's an unlimited supply of brewed coffee in the office.

loafers

It seems I prefer loafers for work shoes. Whenever I stop by a shoe store and try shoes out, I end up liking loafers. Probably because I don't want to deal with the laces in the morning. 

I realized that my current loafers were really worn... mainly due to my negligence about shoe care. Goodness, one part of my shoe was about to have a hole. I honestly don't have any knowledge on how to take care of shoes... 

I was hoping to get brown shoes to diversity my shoe colors, but I guess I don't deserve such luxury yet. 

Anyways, I had to get a black loafer replacement. I remember walking past an Aldo store some point in the past and liking their shoes, so I went there. Ended up finding a loafer that looked similar to the loafers I currently have:

In the register, I was talked into buying these things called cedar shoe trees. The guy in the counter was a really good talker. Well, and I'm pretty gullible too.

I tried putting these shoe trees into my old shoes, and I realized that I should have had these sooner. It does seem effective in preserving the form of the shoes.

Old loafers with the shoe trees inside it:

Notice the worn out leather in the bottom area of the loafers..

I also realized that these shoes have names. You know, so you can find the same pair later. Why that wasn't obvious to me is a mystery. 

Oh goodness, I have a feeling my future self will laugh at my ignorance when he sees this.

woah.

So, I always knew that I have a bad memory,

but I can't help but wonder what happened during January 20 and March 13 of 2009.. 

I do remember sophomore year being pretty much my low point in college, but goodness, I don't remember writing about it..

I can only imagine that I might have had more days like this. I guess I should be thankful that my memory sucks.

Or wait, is this some kind of psychological defense mechanism of mine.. hmm..